member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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