I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
