Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
