If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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