It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
