I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
