how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
how does that bad decision feel?
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