who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I pour the whiskey from now on
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
