i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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