Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
