Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
