I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
