The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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