Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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