I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
