We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
