This dress was meant to end up on your floor
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
