she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
