You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
