Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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