my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
