I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
