I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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