if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Two words: blizzard sex
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
