it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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