I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
