News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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