He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
