im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
