now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
