We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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