You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
