Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
