Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
