onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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