i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You don't make any sense
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