I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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