alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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