I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dignity is for republicans.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
