Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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