I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
