Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
