I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
