wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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