Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
