clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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