i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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