My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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