If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
