I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
